- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
- Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
- As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
- Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
- I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
- Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
- Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
- “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
- The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
- The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
- Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
- If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
- If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
- Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
- You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
- I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- Stephanie: Do you go on those dates where you sit there and ask each other questions?
- Don Draper: It's a means to an end.
- Stephanie: ... But nobody knows what's wrong with themselves. And everyone else can see it right away.
Sometime in futureland…
A letter to the me that I will someday be.
What do you say to a version of yourself that you have never met? I’m drawing a bit of a blank. I certainly can’t give you advice… I’m sure that you are wiser than I. Or rather, I should hope you are. I suppose I will tell you what it is I need you to be. For my sake.
I need you to stop doubting yourself. It is no way to live. You can’t just rely on the fact that other people love and believe in you. You have to feel it, and know it yourself. Maybe you already do. For the sake of my future happiness, I dearly hope that it is so.
At the same time, there is one thing that worries me. I am afraid that the world might have changed you. I want you to… No I know that you will be strong, but I never want you to become hardened. No matter how many times you get hurt, you sure as hell better be getting up and trying… Again and again and again. Never stop seeing the beauty all around you. Your passionate emotions, the depths of the love and pain that you feel, your sensibility… They have always been your greatest strengths. Shielding yourself for fear of being hurt, though it is tempting at times— that would be to rob yourself of all the things you could be. All the places life could take you. If you forget this, you may lose your way. I know that I am young and naive… But I also know that people grow old if they mature in the wrong ways. Keep your fire lit at all costs.
A few weeks ago, I lost my favorite lighter. The one that said “Love thy family.” It was cheap, but very sentimental. I hope you recall it. I bought it the day that I got back from 4th of July at The Farm last year. It seemed appropriate. The tattoo inspired design and the words reminded me of Brendan and his “Don’t fuck with family” t-shirt. I bought the lighter, and got in Faramundo to go downtown with Alex. Singing You and I on the walking mall… Red lipstick and cigarettes. Later that night when Nick and I snuck out to smoke, I used that lighter. And then a few days passed, and Danny broke off the safety for me in his car while he waited for me outside of a convenient store where I was buying smokes. That lighter was in my purse or my pocket all summer, and I loved it. Used it faithfully from then, until the night a few weeks ago when I drunkenly tried to fuck away my sorrow with some stranger. That’s what I get. It’s just a damn lighter… But when the morning after came and I realized that it was gone, I felt actual sadness. It was a passing feeling. In fact, I have found a new favorite. A plain black one, given to me by Alex. I’m going to dunk that lighter in the boiling water that is my life and let it steep. And I will love it just as much as its predecessor. One day I will lose it, or it will run out of fluid— most likely the former. Yet that is completely OK. You will lose so many lighters. So many loves. So many days of your life will pass, but you have to let them go… and resolve to remember them fondly. I know that you are up to the task.
Right now I’m nursing a broken heart. Maybe by the time you read this, that will seem trivial, but you should never forget that what you felt when you were with him, and the pain I now feel… They are real. In this moment, they are the most real things I have ever experienced. No matter what happens, you cannot belittle that, and you cannot forget it. I will not let you. Yet I know that you will have grown from this, and you will have seen love that I have never known. I am counting on that, in fact. I’m not expecting a prince charming to simply fall into my lap, but I feel that if I know you, you will have opened your heart, and you will have benefited from it. Good things will come… Perhaps they already have. But do not forget this time. It will remind you just how crazy life is. How lucky you are.
I have been, you have been, miserable… And also deliriously happy. And I will be both again. However, I hope that the depths of your misery are short-lived. And may the overarching sunlight of your happiness overpower the shadows. Don’t sell yourself short, and you will get to that place. My darling, we will walk in the sun… Just like the song. I can feel it.